jetty

Missed a week, sorry. Busy trying to recover the losses I suffered by following ssqwesmith2’s investment advice. (Damn him/her/it! He/she/it has been booted from the group!) Turns out Taunton dam futures really weren’t the way to go. Stupid Whittenton Pond.

Also – no state secret here – I really haven’t got anything very funny for you.

Fortunately, Adam’s got the Nipsey Russell interview covered:

1. When and how did you learn of your triumph?

at work, but not on tv. read it in the ny times. totally spaced that i had him on my goofy names list. 20 points for me!!!

2. Care to eulogize the departed?

to tell the truth - a godsend for those sick days when you were home from school

3. Favorite moment from Nipsey’s career?

i couldn't tell you one other thing he did other than to tell the truth

4. Match Game or To Tell the Truth?

what was match game?

5. Burmese python or Everglades crocodile?

i think you call that an everglades death match that was called a draw

6. Rhyming couplet for Nipsey:

no hakku from me - ever

7. Who's next?

pinochet - don't bother buying him an xmas present this year

8. Time to trash talk!

as usual my late season surge will fall short of winning but you can always dream of hurricane wilma taking out a celebrity retirement home in florida. that would be sweet!

Here’s the large bunch we’ve missed the last two-plus weeks:

Robert Hanson, last surviving member of the Memphis Belle B-17 bomber crew, died October 1 at 85.

Unfunny comedian Charles Rocket, a regular on Saturday Night Live in its really awful 1980-81 season until he got fired for cussing on air, probably cussed like a son of a gun in the moments before he died October 7 at 56, evidently having cut his own throat.

Unfunny comedian Louis Nye, longtime second banana to Steve Allen, died October 9 at 92. The same day, Tom Cheek, longtime voice of the Toronto Blue Jays, died at 66.

Ugandan strongman Milton Obote, who couldn’t have been that tough, seeing as he was twice overthrown, died October 10 at 80. The same day, Angelo Argea, longtime caddy for Ron P. pick Jack Nicklaus, died at 75; and Nick Hawkings, guitarist for Big Audio Dynamite, died at 40.

Singer Sonji Clay-Glover, first wife of Consensus Pick Muhammad Ali, died October 11 at 59.

C. Delores Tucker, who turned from civil rights activism to being an obnoxious scolder of rap music, died October 12 at 78. The same day, pop songwriter/quasi-celebrity agoraphobe Baker Knight, who wrote “Lonesome Town” for Ricky Nelson, died at 72. At home, I need hardly add. Syrian Interior Minister Ghazi Kanaan committed suicide at age 63. And Jack White, dean of Rhode Island television journalists (tells you all you need to know), died at 63. White did win a Pulitzer for the one big story he broke, that Dick Nixon underpaid his income taxes in 1970 and 1971. It was in response to this that Nixon said, “People have got to know whether or not their President is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook.” To quote the great Frank Steinfeld: Whoopsie.

Vivian Malone Jones, fist black graduate of the University of Alabama, having defied George Wallace’s attempts to bar her from registering, died October 13 at 63.

Worst episode ever: Atlanta Hawks center Jason Collier died October 15 at 28, apparently of cardiac arrest. The same day, former big-league pitcher and pitching coach Al Widmar died at 80.

Alfalfa rules: Gordon Lee, who as a child actor who played Spanky McFarland’s little brother Porky in the Little Rascals serials, died last Sunday at 71.

Tough Monday for the centenarians: I’ve been playing the Pogues’ version of “The Band Played Waltzing Matilda” since I heard that William Evan Allan, last surviving Australian veteran to see action in World War I, died last Monday at 106. The same day, Chinese novelist Ba Jin died at 101, and English soccer star Johnny Haynes, captain of the 1962 World Cup squad, died in a car crash on what was his 71st birthday. (For them I just kept playing the Pogues; too damned lazy to switch disks, pretty much.)

Holy Toledo: Longtime Oakland As radio voice Bill King died Tuesday at 78. The same day, Cleveland sportswriter Hal Lebovitz, author of the popular “Ask Hal” column, died at 89; Soviet-era apparatchik Alexander Yakovlev, who spearheaded Gorbachev’s glasnost project, died at 81; and, most upsetting of all, Letchemanah Ramasamy, known to Malaysians as “Mighty Man” for feats of strength, kind of, that included pulling planes and buses with his hair, died at 55. And we none of his picked him. We’re definitely not having a good year, people.

Jazz pianist and vocalist Shirley Horn died Thursday at 71.

Former Cleveland Indians owner Ted Bonda, who (good thing) hired Frank Robinson as baseball’s first black manager and (not so good thing) was the marketing genius behind the team’s infamous 1974 ten-cent beer-night promotion, died yesterday at 88.

It’s all good (UK version I): Martin and my pick Harold Pinter won the Nobel Prize for Literature, and celebrated by falling down and puncturing his head.

Killer pick Antonin Scalia on October 10 whined that the confirmation process for new Supreme Court justices has become too politicized. Well, I… I… Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but… No. I cannot go on.

It’s all good (RI version): All those whose requests to have their corruption convictions reviewed by the Supreme Court were approved on October 11, one step forward. Step, Mike, and Kel pick Buddy Cianci, not so fast.

It’s all good (UK version II): Big pretend celebration in Merrie Olde Englande on October 13 to mark the 80th birthday of Candice pick Margaret Thatcher. Maggie pretended she recognized erstwhile Verde pick Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, John Major, and Ken pick Tony Blair, and they all pretended to be glad to see her. No one does fake sincerity as well as the Brits.

Buzzo pick Fats Domino a week ago yesterday finally made it back to his house in New Orleans to retrieve some stuff. Surveying the tributes spray-painted on his domicile by fans who’d thought he’d been lost in the flood, Fats commented, “I sure do appreciate that people think so much about me. There was a big ‘Rest in Peace’ on my balcony. I’m still here, thank God. I’m alive and kicking.” Yes. Thank God.

Buzzo, Coach K, and Nicole pick Edward Kennedy last Sunday attempted to rescue six men who had become trapped by high tide on a jetty off Hyannisport. Ted was walking his dogs when he spotted the doofusi, who had been fishing on a jetty that begins at the tip of the Kennedy compound. Kennedy tried to rescue the men using a 13-foot boat, but for pretty good, albeit politely unstated, reasons, the guys preferred risking hypothermia to riding in a water-borne vehicle being driven by our Ted. Hyannis firefighters eventually picked them up. Just as well; this way Kennedy maintains his perfect rescue record.

Three Sundays’ worth of Personality Parade:

Q: I’m interested in where [Andrew, Step, Erin, and Nicole pick] Fidel Castro gets the dough to shore up his bankrupt regime. Can you illuminate?

A: In the wake of the collapse of the USSR, which bankrolled him to the tune of $4 billion a year, Castro has turned to Hugo Chavez, a Marxist president of Venezuela, the world’s fifth-largest oil-exporter. In addition to shoring up Castro, he’s funding revolutionaries and terrorists throughout Latin America.

Q: One week [Verde unit of measurement] Renee Zellweger is saying, “I’m happier than ever”; the next, she’s filing for an annulment from Kenny Chesney after only one Zellweger of marriage. Can you explain this bizarre behavior?

A: There’s no explaining the impulsive, fantasy-driven behavior of some stars [and, for that matter, Media Access Group upper management]. One thing is for sure: Kenny, 37 – who had a hit with the song “You Had Me From Hello,” inspired by Renee, 36 – can now cash in with one titled “You Hurt Me at Goodbye.”

Q: What is the significance of [Buzzo pick] Bill Clinton’s wristband?

A: It was a gift from Colombian children who performed at the White House one Christmas. “They came with their culture minister, a woman named Consuelo,” says Clinton. “Guerrillas later murdered her. I can still hardly talk about it.” Consuelo’s niece gave him a new band this year.

Q: Why do you think [Ken, Jeremy, and Nicole pick] Whitney Houston agreed to display her dysfunctional marriage on the TV show Being [erstwhile Verde pick] Bobby Brown?

A: Whitney, 42, isn’t commenting. But the former megastar apparently has sunk to the point where she’ll do anything for troubled hubby Bobby, 36 – even if it means dragging her own reputation through the mud. The good news: Bravo may not renew the tacky reality show.

Q: Who’s [Joel pick] Chuck Woolery’s new co-host on the Game Show Network’s Lingo? And what happened to the other girl?

A: She’s Shandi Finnessey, 26, Miss USA 2004. She studied psychology at Lindenwood University and wrote a kids’ book, Furrtails. “It was time for a change,” is the only explanation Lingo’s reps would give us for the departure of Stacey Hayes, 29. But readers told us they felt Stacy was too flirtatious with Chuck, 64.

For, what, about the 20th time, the Chilean Supreme Court on Wednesday stripped Consensus Pick Augusto Pinochet of immunity from prosecution, opening up the possibility he may face charges of tax fraud. Feel free to actually prosecute a case sometime, Chilean dudes. Take a lesson from the Iraqi dudes.

Who got the trial of Dan, Erin, and Kel pick Saddam Hussein going last week, finally. Long enough to impose a three-month delay, anyhow. Predictably, but nonetheless entertainingly, the waqi Iraqi was “defiant” and “lashed out at the U.S.,” reported the New York Times.

Speaking of DeLays and criminal proceedings, I like the tie Erre and Killer pick Tom wore for his mug shot.

End days alert: Dick and Jen pick Rosie O’Donnel on Inside the Actors Studio. One suspects there really is no depth to which James Lipton will not sink.

Mmm, seacowlicious. Theresa forwards this item concerning manatee, the other white meat:

http://www.orlandoweekly.com/features/story.asp?id=3078

Comes word that Consensus Pick Michael Jackson is planning on writing and recording a song to benefit manatees.

Dang, too late to wish everyone an enjoyable Head of the Charles. Have a good week, anyway.

PAN

Adam Spellman pick/mediocre comedian Nipsey Russell died Sunday at 80, putting Adam’s revised “Goofy Names” list on the board in a tie for 26th place with 20 points. Our updated standings:

1. In first place with 109 points…

Jack Spellman “Going for the Gold 2005”

2. In second place with 69 points…

Step Hopkins “Love That Dirty Water”

3. Tied with himself for third place with 62 points…

Dan Davis “2004 - list 1”

Dan Davis “2004 - list 2”

5. In fifth place with 59 points…

Burma Jones “Rockers 2005”

6. In sixth place with 51 points…

Ron Patalona “TV Land of the Lost Giants”

7. In seventh place with 47 points…

Ron Woods “Victims to Be”

8. In eighth place with 44 points…

Burma Jones “Rockers 2001 plus 1”

9. In ninth place with 41 points…

Martin von Nostrand “Writers”

10. In tenth place with 37 points…

Buzzo “Go Figure”

11. Tied for 11th place with 36 points…

Gidget Disraeli ”List 2005”

Consensus List

13. In 13th place with 35 points…

Adam Spellman “Follow the Leaders”

14. Tied for 14th place with 33 points…

Buzzo “Parasites at Law”

Dan Davis “Death Wish ‘99”

Jack Spellman “Network news gerontocracy”

Dick Hunt “More TV Stars Who Raised Me”

18. Tied for 18th place with 30 points…

Ken “2004 List”

Coach K “Handicapping Special”

20. Tied for 20th place with 21 points…

Buzzo “Adam & Eve”

Step Hopkins “Politicos”

Franklin Jay “Hardball 2004”

Joel Rappoport “Nine Has-Beens and a Lousy Calypso Singer”

Adam Starling “List Five”

Martin von Nostrand “2005”

26. Tied for 26th place with 20 points…

Erre Bosque “2005 List”

Buzzo “New Year’s Eve Party”

Step Hopkins “Politicos 2”

Step Hopkins “Politicos 3”

I.J. Reilly “GOP DOA RIP LOL”

Adam Spellman “Goofy Names”

Jack Spellman “More Gold 2005”

Kel Varnsen “Good to Go”

Robin West “Both Sides of the Law”

34. In 34th place with 19 points…

Jack Spellman “2004 – list #2”

36. Tied for 36th place with 18 points…

Ken “Legends of the Microphone”

Mike Sullivan “Draw Blood”

38. Tied for 38th place with 16 points…

Jessica Bewsee “If No One On My Lists Dies This Year, I'm Never Playing This Stupid Game Again”

Dan Davis “Another One”

Olympia Lambert “More losers for the new millennium. Rock and shock”

Sandra Lohm “List 2 – Boys”

Adam Starling “List Four”

Nicole Thomas “List 2”

44. Tied for 44th place with 15 points…

Dick Hunt “Even more TV celebs who helped raise me”

Jack Spellman “Beam ‘em up”

46. In 46th place with 13 points…

Jonathan Sewall “Nixon Agonistes”

47. In 47th place with 9 points…

I.J. Reilly “Old and/or Hack Directors”

[If she had renewed her 1999 “List II” and/or Y2K’s“People Who Turn My Stomach,” Shannon Koenig would now be in 48th place with 2 points.]

48. In 48th place with 1 point…

Walt Bostian

49. In last place with 0 points…

Everyone else

I was late with the post-Nipsey interview; Adam’s responses next week.

Missed some:

Jazz bassist Jack Lesberg died September 17 at 85.

Former major-league pitcher Frank Smith, relief ace for the 1950s Cincinnati Reds, died September 24 at 77.

Research chemist Leo Sternbach, inventor of Valium, hardly even noticed when he died September 28 at 97.

Blues guitarist Paul Pena died Saturday at 55.

Former major-league outfielder Pat Kelly, an All-Star, brother of NFL running back Leroy Kelly, and brother-in-law of big-leaguer Andre Thornton, died Sunday at 61. The same day, great American playwright August Wilson, who’d have been a gimme in the ’06 Pool, died at 60.

Singer Emilinha Borba, queen of Brazil’s golden age of radio died Monday at 82. The same day, British comedian Ronnie Barker, half of the The Two Ronnies (duh), died at 76; and former major-league outfielder Mario Encarnacion was found dead at age 30 in Taiwan, where he was playing for the Macoto Cobras of the Chinese Professional Baseball League.

You’d better bury/’Cause he’s decomposing fast: Mike Gibbons, drummer for the pop combo Badfinger, died Tuesday at 55. The same day, folk music producer-manager Harold Leventhal, who over the years represented Woodie and Arlo Guthrie, Burma pick Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Verde point-scorer Johnny Cash, and erstwhile Verde pick Neil Young, among many others, died at 86; former Wyoming Governor Stan Hathaway, whose spinster sister Jane worked for a Los Angeles bank, died at 81; and former Ulster Defense Association thug Jim Gray was unsurprisingly gunned down on the streets of East Belfast at age 47. Sad. That nobody picked him, I mean.

Got some Personality Parade for you:

Q: Can you give me an update on screen legend [and Andrew, Theresa, Erin, and Adam Starling pick] Charlton Heston?

A: Heston, who turn[ed] 81 on Tuesday, retired from public life ni 202, after announcing that he was suffering from the onset of Alzheimer’s. He lives in Beverly Hills with his wife of 61 years, Lydia. The family declines to comment on his condition.

Q: How did [Dan pick] Christina Aguilera cut her hand? I have heard everything from a bar fight to a martini-drinking accident.

A: Her publicist says one of the pop star’s dogs knocked over a glass vase, and she cut her hand picking up the pieces. Christina, 24, had surgery to repair two sliced tendons, then wore a cast. It did not interfere with studio sessions for a new CD, due out next spring.

Q: Long before [Bine and Dick pick] Madonna jumped on the bandwagon, actor John Lithgow was penning books for kids. Does he have young children?

A: [Holy carp, who cares?]

Q: What’s become of [Killer pick] Patsy Ramsey? And do you think she’ll ever be indicted for the 1996 death of her daughter, JonBenet?

A: Patsy, 48, underwent chemotherapy for a fourth occurrence of ovarian cancer this year while staying at the Roswell, Ga., home of her father. We doubt she’ll be indicted. Police once said Patsy and husband John, 61, were under “an umbrella of suspicion” for JonBenet’s death, but in 2003 a district judge in Atlanta said the evidence suggested than an intruder killed the little girl.

Guilty Republican: Erre and Killer pick Tom DeLay, whose nickname seems to have morphed from “Hammer” to “Embattled,” on Monday was indicted again, this time for money laundering.

I.J. pick Sharon Stone on Tuesday forcefully, albeit incoherently, defended Nicole pick Kate Moss, giving what-for to the companies which have decided to end their contracts with the drug-snorting supermodel. Speaking in Paris, where Chanel announced her as its latest unstable, surgery-enhanced, comically addled spokesperson, the washed-up actress declared, “I'd like to say, as for Kate Moss, I understand that she has apologized and is changing her life, and I think that that is the most important thing that's happened. I think that we have to be aware that people are allowed to make mistakes in their life. Whether or not a house stands with her or not through it says more about the house than it does about her. If you are in here and haven't made a mistake, I'd like to meet you because I've been waiting for Jesus, and today would be the day.” While the assembled reporters scratched their heads, Stone abruptly left to do an interview with Radio France International.

Guilty Democrat: Adam Spellman pick Marion Barry is being investigated by the IRS, the agency’s jack-booted thugs nit-pickingly wanting actual proof that the drug-snorting politico has filed federal income tax returns since 1998. (Barry says he has, but the IRS collectively replied, “We call bullshit!”)

Comes word that Consensus Pick Michael Jackson is planning on writing and recording a song to benefit supermodels unfairly dumped by their corporate sponsors.

Selling syndication rights to The X Files in France was a mistake: Theresa forwards this chunk of purty pretend-language text:

Interview de Yves Sillard
29 septembre 2005
RFI Soir, Radio France International.

Vincent Roux: Et notre 2ème dossier ce soir : en France on les appelle des Phénomènes Aérospatiaux Non-identifiés, mais ils sont plus connus sous le nom d'ovnis. Ils peuvent fasciner ou faire sourire, mais ils intéressent aussi les scientifiques. Le CNES, l'agence spatiale française, à ainsi décider de relancer ses activités d'observation et d'analyse de ces phénomènes. Un comité de pilotage a été créé pour remettre en marche ce secteur, et notre invité ce soir est le président de ce comité de pilotage : Yves Sillard. Bonsoir...

Yves Sillard: Bonsoir... (sourire)

Vincent Roux: AlorsYves Sillard votre parcours est impressionnant ; vous avez travaillé sur le programme Concorde, vous avez été ensuite l'un des pères d'Ariane, vous avez dirigé le CNES, puis été Directeur Général de l'Armement. Autant dire Yves Sillard que si on vous a demandé que si on vous a demandé de diriger ce comité sur l'observation des ovnis, c'est qu'on veut aborder très sérieusement.

Yves Sillard: C'est un sujet qu'il faut aborder avec rigueur, sérieux, et sans avoir d'idées préconçues ni avoir peur de son ombre; c'est un sujet très intéressant d'ailleurs.

Vincent Roux: Et c'est un regard scientifique, qu'il faut porter sur la question...

Yves Sillard: Un regard rigoureux et scientifique... voilà.

Vincent Roux: Alors en l'occurence il s'agit de réactiver une structure qui a existé, le GEPAN, le Groupement d'Etude des Phénomènes Aérospatiaux Non Identifiés. Pourquoi ce GEPAN qui avait été créé en 1977 a ensuite été un peu mis en sommeil ?

Yves Sillard: Eh ben écoutez... Il s'agit là d'un phénomène... ce phénomène des... le problème des Phénomènes des Aérospatiaux Non-identifiés qui est très sérieux, qui met en jeu de multiples témoins qui sont dignes de foi, qui s'interrogent sur la nature des observations qu'ils ont pu faire, et qui attendent à juste titre des réponses aux questions qu'ils se posent. Je reviens donc un tout petit peu en arrière. Et donc pour moi il est du rôle du CNES d'essayer de répondre à ces attentes, même si dans certains cas la réponse n'est pas facile à formuler. Et j'avais créé le GEPAN, dont vous venez de parler, dans ce but en 1977, quand j'étais directeur général du CNES, et ce GEPAN a parfaitement fonctionné. Malheureusement, ce sujet, qui nécessite comme on vient de le dire d'être abordé avec une rigueur scientifique totale, fait, très souvent, l'objet de réactions passionnées, "pour", "contre", etc. et puis de campagnes invraisemblables de désinformation qui sont très souvent destinées à destabiliser, même à ridiculiser ceux qui traitent le sujet sérieusement. Alors dans les dernières années -- on peut dire depuis une quinzaine d'années-- eh ben le CNES a un peu cédé à ces campagnes de désinformation ; et un audit, qui a été fait dans les années 2001-2002, qui a impliqué l'audition de nombreuses personnalités, a recommandé de redonner au GEPAN des moyens normaux de fonctionnement -- sans lui donner des moyens fantastiques bien entendu -- et de faire superviser et orienter ses activités par par un comité de pilotage qui associe tous les différents organismes qui sont concernés par l'étude de ce phénomène. Et voilà, ces recommandations ont été suivies par Yannick d'Escatha, qui est l'actuel président du CNES, et d'où la 1ère réunion du comité de pilotage.

Vincent Roux: ...que vous avez donc présidé.

Yves Sillard: Voilà.

Vincent Roux: Avec qui allez-vous travailler sur ces questions ?

Yves Sillard: Alors le comité est très clairement constitué si vous voulez maintenant. Il associe un certain nombre de personnes du CNES et puis des représenants des principaux organismes qui en France sont concernés par cela. Ces organismes, c'est quoi ? C'est la Gendarmerie Nationale, la Police Nationale, la Sécurité Civile, l'Armée de l'Air, l'Aviation Civile, la Météorologie Nationale. Et en plus des organismes, nous avons quelques scientifiques, 4 scientifiques dans un 1er temps, qui sont spécialistes, qui ont des activités dans des domaines qui, de près ou de loin, peuvent intéresser le sujet. Par exemple la propulsion, l'électromagnétisme, l'astrophysique et aussi les sciences de l'homme.

Vincent Roux: Que des gens sérieux quoi, donc (sourire). Alors malgré les aléas du GEPAN, cela fait une trentaine d'années que le CNES accumule des informations, des rapports, des observations... Est-ce qu'il y a des phénomènes intéressants dans ces observations, des choses qu'on a pas su expliquer ?

Yves Sillard: Alors oui si vous voulez le CNES a d'abord mis au point une méthodologie très rigoureuse pour recueillir les témoignages et analyser ces témoignages de façon à créer une base de données qui existe aujourd'hui et qui est tout à fait remarquable. Et en France, entre 1951 et aujourd'hui-- parce que le CNES... le GEPAN constitué en 1977 est remonté un peu en amont -- il y a plusieurs milliers de cas qui ont été enregistrés, dont en particulier près de 200 cas qui résultent d'observations à bord d'avions. Alors tous ces cas et tous ces témoignages ont fait l'objet d'un classement extrêmement rigoureux comme je vous le disais, et finalement le CNES a classé tous ces phénomènes de... sur ces 50 dernières années en 4 catégories : une 1ère catégorie qu'on appelle les Phénomènes Aérospatiaux Non identifiés de catégorie A, les PAN A, qui sont des choses parfaitement identifiées ; les PAN B qui sont des choses presque sûrement parfaitement identifiées, ensuite une 3ème catégorie, les PAN C, çà ce sont ceux qui ne sont pas exploitables parce que les informations ne sont pas utilisables vraiment... c'est manque d'information, pas de clarté des témoignages, etc. et enfin dernier cas qui est les PAN D, qui eux sont parfaitement documentés, avec des témoins dont on a pu vérifier la qualité, mais qui sont inexplicables par des phénomènes connus aujourd'hui.

Vincent Roux: Et ils représentent quelle proportion à peu près ?

Yves Sillard: Alors c'est à peu près 15 % du total. Alors si on enlève les cas qui ne sont pas utilisables parce qu'ils ne sont pas intéressants, on peut se dire qu'ils se répartiraient à peu près de la même façon entre cas inexplicables et cas explicables, on peut dire de façon simple qu'il y a 75 à 76 % de cas identifiés -- bien identifiés, on sait ce que c'est -- et puis 25% de cas non identifiés, qui sont inexplicables par les phénomènes connus actuellement.

Vincent Roux: Alors justement l'observation de ces phénomènes aérospatiaux c'est, intellectuellement, scientifiquement stimulant j'imagine ? Ca bouscule un peu ?

Yves Sillard: Ah ben c'est stimulant... c'est-à-dire, ça doit être stim... parce que vous savez qu'un certain nombre de scientifiques refusent, en disant "c'est impossible, donc ça n'existe pas" ; donc ça, évidemment, ça ne nous paraît pas très scientifique. Par contre quand on se donne la peine de réfl... de regarder avec sérieux et en toute objectivité tous ces cas, dont certains sont non seulement des cas avec des d'observations visuelles de témoins sérieux mais également avec des... d'autres.. certains avec des traces... des échos radar enregistrés par des avions... euh... par des radars de bord et des radars au sol... euh... dans un certain nombre de cas des traces d'atterrissages et de... comment dire... de détérioration de la végétation... tout çà est extrêmement sérieux et soulève des questions. Et aujourd'hui évidemment on ne peut face à tout çà n'émettre que des hypothèses, et rien que des hypothèses.

Vincent Roux: Et être ce que ça peut aider, est-ce que ça peut avoir des applications scientifiques, est-ce que ça peut pousser justement la recherche dans certains domaines ?

Yves Sillard: Ah ben écoutez certainement, parce que on est tout naturellement amené à chercher à expliquer un certain nombre de ces cas... on a bien le sentiment qu'il s'agit des mobiles ayant des évolutions très supérieures si je puis dire aux mobiles aériens et spatiaux que nous savons envoyer actuellement... et puis par ailleurs ils ont des effets assez curieux sur les communications, les instruments de bord... tout ça appelle des explications et un certain nombre de recherches peuvent être faites pour essayer d'expliquer un peu comment ce genre de phénomènes peut se produire.

Vincent Roux: Dernière question. Yves Sillard: les américains ont un peu "inventé" ce phénomène ovnis... aujourd'hui est-ce qu'ils poursuivent encore leurs recherches ? On en parle beaucoup moins...

Yves Sillard: Alors si vous voulez, officiellement, les américains ont abandonné toutes recherches sur les ovnis après le dépot d'un rapport qui s'appelle Rapport Condon. Alors, si j'ai encore 1 mn, je peux dire simplement que ce rapport, curieusement, qui faisait apparaître dans le corps du rapport 30 % de phénomènes observés qui étaient complètement inexplicables, il concluait en disant que la poursuite de l'étude ne présentait pas d'intérêt. Il y avait une anomalie profonde entre les conclusions et le reste. Alors en réalité, moi je pense que les américains pratiquent sur le sujet -- auquel ils consacrent, j'en suis persuadé, des efforts d'investigation très supérieurs à ceux de tout autre pays -- ils pratiquent une politique délibérée et savamment orchestrée de désinformation. C'est la désinformation totale... Alors dans quel but ? Est-ce que c'est une crainte de voir leur suprématie remise en jeu si un jour on se trouvait face à une civilisation extérieure beaucoup plus avancée... Est-ce que c'est un soucis de garder pour eux un acquis potentiel de technologie... on en... ou toute autre explication, on en sait rien. Je comme dire, comme pour Kate mousse, je comprendre que avoir faire des excuses et être changing la vie, et je penser que que être le plus important chose que être produire. Je penser que devoir être averti que personne être permettre faire erreur dans leur vie. Si or not un maison tenir avec la ou non à travers dire plus au sujet le maison que au sujet la. Si vous être dans ici et avoir non faire un erreur, je comme rencontrer vous parce que je avoir être waiting pour Jésus, et aujourd'hui être le jour.

Vincent Roux: Yves Sillard, merci. Merci de ces explications, merci d'avoir été avec nous sur RFI, bonne soirée.

Sure, it looks like gibberish, but thanks to the miracles that are the Internet and Babelfish, we can translate it into pretend English and make something like sense of it:

Interview of Yves Sillard

September 29 2005

RFI Evening, Radio France International.

Red-headed Vincent: And our 2nd file this evening: in France one calls them Not-identified Aerospace Phenomena, but they are more known under the name of UFOS, hoh-HONH. They can fascinate or make smile, but they interest also the scientists, hoh-HONH. CNES, the French space agency, with thus deciding to start again its activities of observation and analysis of these phenomena, hoh-HONH. A steering committee was created to restart this sector, and our guest this evening is the president of this steering committee: Yves Sillard. Good evening, hoh-HONH...

Yves Sillard: Good evening, hoh-HONH... (to smile)

Red-headed Vincent: AlorsYves Sillard your course is impressive; you worked on the program Concorde, you were then one of the fathers of ARIANE, you directed the CNES, then be a General manager of the Armament, hoh-HONH. As much to say Yves Sillard that if it were asked you that if one asked you to direct this committee on the observation of the UFOS, it is that one wants to approach very seriously, hoh-HONH.

Yves Sillard: It is a subject which it is necessary to tackle with rigour, serious, and without having preconceived ideas nor to be afraid of its shade; it is a very interesting subject besides, hoh-HONH.

Red-headed Vincent: And it is a scientific glance, which it is necessary to carry on the question, hoh-HONH...

Yves Sillard: A rigorous and scientific glance... here, hoh-HONH.

Red-headed Vincent: Then in the event it is a question of reactivating a structure which existed, the GEPAN, the Grouping of Study of the Not Identified Aerospace Phenomena, hoh-HONH. Why this GEPAN which had been created in 1977 then was put a little in sleep?

Yves Sillard: Eh Ben listen, hoh-HONH... They are there a phenomenon, hoh-HONH... this phenomenon of... the problem of the Phenomena Aerospace Not-identified which is very serious, which brings into play multiple witnesses who are worthy of faith, which wonders about the nature of the observations that they could make, and which wait rightly of the answers to the questions until they are posed, hoh-HONH. I thus return very small little behind, hoh-HONH. And thus for me it is role of the CNES to try to answer these waitings, even if in certain cases the answer is not easy to formulate, hoh-HONH. And I had created the GEPAN, from which you come to speak, to this end in 1977, when I was a general manager of the CNES, and this GEPAN functioned perfectly, hoh-HONH. Unfortunately, this subject, which requires as one has just said it to be approached with a total rigour scientific, makes, very often, the object of impassioned reactions, "for", "against", etc and then of incredible misinformation campaigns which are very often intended for destabiliser, to even ridicule those which cover the subject seriously, hoh-HONH. Then in last years -- one can say since about fifteen years -- eh Ben the CNES a little yielded to these campaigns misinformation; and one to that, which was made in the years 2001-2002, which implied the hearing of many personalities, recommended to give again to the GEPAN of the normal means of operation -- without him to give fantastic means -- of course; and to make supervise and direct its activities by by a steering committee which associates all the various organizations which are concerned with the study of this phenomenon, hoh-HONH. And here are, these recommendations were followed by Yannick d' Escatha, which is the current president of the CNES, and from where the 1st meeting of the steering committee, hoh-HONH.

Red-headed Vincent: ... that you thus chaired, hoh-HONH.

Yves Sillard: Here, hoh-HONH.

Red-headed Vincent: With which you will work on these questions?

Yves Sillard: Then the committee is very clearly made up if you want now, hoh-HONH. It associates a certain number of people of the CNES and then représenants of the principal organizations which in France are concerned with that, hoh-HONH. Is these organizations, it what? It is the National Gendarmerie, the National police force, Civil Safety, the Air Force, the Civil aviation, National Meteorology, hoh-HONH. And in more of the organizations, we have some scientists, 4 scientists in one the 1st time, which is specialists, who have activities in fields which, in near or by far, can interest the subject, hoh-HONH. For example propulsion, electromagnetism, astrophysics and also social sciences, hoh-HONH.

Red-headed Vincent: That serious people what, therefore (to smile), hoh-HONH. Then in spite of the risks of the GEPAN, that makes about thirty years that the CNES accumulates information, reports/ratios, observations, hoh-HONH... Are there interesting phenomena in these observations, of the things which one did not know to explain?

Yves Sillard: Then yes if you want the CNES initially developed a very rigorous methodology to collect testimonys and to analyze these testimonys in order to create a data base which exists today and which is completely remarkable, hoh-HONH. And in France, between 1951 and today -- because the CNES, hoh-HONH... the GEPAN made up in 1977 went up a little upstream -- there are several thousands of cases which were recorded, including in particular nearly 200 cases which result from observations on board planes, hoh-HONH. Then all these cases and all these testimonys were the subject of an extremely rigorous classification as I said it to you, and finally the CNES classified all these phenomena of... over these 50 last years in 4 categories: one 1st category that one calls the Not identified Aerospace Phenomena of category A, SIDE A, which are perfectly identified things; the SIDE B which is things almost surely perfectly identified, then one 3rd category, the SIDE C, that it is those which are not exploitable because information is not usable really... it is lack of information, not clearness of testimonys, etc and finally last case which is the SIDE D, which them are documented perfectly, with witnesses whose one could check quality, but which is unexplainable by phenomena known today, hoh-HONH.

Red-headed Vincent: And they about represent which proportion?

Yves Sillard: Then it is about 15 % of the total, hoh-HONH. Then if one removes the cases which are not usable because they are not interesting, one can think that they would be distributed about in the same way between unexplainable cases and explainable cases, one can say in a simple way that there are 75 to 76 % of identified cases -- identified well, one knows what they is -- and then 25% of not identified cases, which are unexplainable by the phenomena currently known, hoh-HONH.

Red-headed Vincent: Then precisely is the observation of these aerospace phenomena it, intellectually, scientifically stimulant I imagine? Does Ca hustle a little?

Yves Sillard: Ah Ben it is stimulative... i.e., that must be stim... because you know that a certain number of scientists refuse, by saying "it is impossible, therefore that does not exist"; thus that, obviously, that does not appear scientist very to us, hoh-HONH. On the other hand when one gives oneself the sorrow of réfl... to look with serious and in all objectivity all these cases, of which some are not only cases with of visual observations of serious witnesses but also with... of others, hoh-HONH. some with traces... of the echoes radar recorded by planes... euh... by airborne radars and radars on the ground... euh... in a certain number of cases of the traces of landings and of... how to say... deterioration of the vegetation... all that is extremely serious and raises questions, hoh-HONH. And today obviously one cannot vis-a-vis with all that putting forth only assumptions, and only assumptions, hoh-HONH.

Red-headed Vincent: And being what that can help, that can have scientific applications, that can precisely push research in certain fields?

Yves Sillard: Ah Ben listen certainly, because one is quite naturally brought to seek to explain a certain number of these cases... one has well the feeling which they are the mobiles having of the much higher evolutions if I then to say to the air and space mobiles that we know to currently send... and then in addition they rather curious effects on the communications have, the instruments... all that calls explanations and a certain number of research can be made to try to explain a little how this kind of phenomena can occur, hoh-HONH.

Red-headed Vincent: Last question, hoh-HONH. Yves Sillard: did American "invent" this phenomenon UFOS a little... today they still continue their research? One speaks about it much less, hoh-HONH...

Yves Sillard: Then if you want, officially, American gave up all research on the UFOS after the dépot of a report/ratio which is called Rapport Condon, hoh-HONH. Then, if I have 1 more mn, I can to say simply that this report/ratio, curiously, which revealed in the body of the report/ratio 30 % of phenomena observed which were completely unexplainable, it concluded by saying that the continuation of the study was not of interest, hoh-HONH. There was a major anomaly between the conclusions and the remainder, hoh-HONH. Then actually, me I think that American practises on subject -- which they devote, I am persuaded of it, of the efforts of investigation much higher than those of any other country -- they practise a deliberated policy and learnedly orchestrated misinformation, hoh-HONH. It is the total misinformation, hoh-HONH... Then with a which aim? Is it a fear to see their given supremacy concerned if one day one were vis-a-vis with an external civilization much more advanced, hoh-HONH... Is they a concern of keeping for them a potential asset of technology... one in... or any other explanation, one knows anything of it, hoh-HONH. I'd like to say, as for Kate Moss, I understand that she has apologized and is changing her life, and I think that that is the most important thing that's happened, hoh-HONH. I think that we have to be aware that people are allowed to make mistakes in their life, hoh-HONH. Whether or not a house stands with her or not through it says more about the house than it does about her, hoh-HONH. If you are in here and haven't made a mistake, I'd like to meet you because I've been waiting for Jesus, and today would be the day, hoh-HONH.

Red-headed Vincent: Yves Sillard, thank you, hoh-HONH. Thank you for these explanations, thank you to have been with us on RFI, good evening, hoh-HONH.

Man, Babelfish gets more realistic all the time.

Hey, enjoy your long weekend.

Gadget

Don Adams, who played the titular character in the great sitcom Get Smart, died Sunday at 82 or 79, depending on the source. I vote 79, giving Ron P. and Buzzo 21 points apiece, Ron for his “TV Land of the Lost Giants” list, which moves into sixth place with 51 points and has me thinking Ron Howard’s past costars had better be looking both ways before crossing the street, and Buzzo for his “Adam & Eve” list, which arrives on the board tied for 20th place. Our updated standings:

1. In first place with 109 points…

Jack Spellman “Going for the Gold 2005”

2. In second place with 69 points…

Step Hopkins “Love That Dirty Water”

3. Tied with himself for third place with 62 points…

Dan Davis “2004 - list 1”

Dan Davis “2004 - list 2”

5. In fifth place with 59 points…

Burma Jones “Rockers 2005”

6. In sixth place with 51 points…

Ron Patalona “TV Land of the Lost Giants”

7. In seventh place with 47 points…

Ron Woods “Victims to Be”

8. In eighth place with 44 points…

Burma Jones “Rockers 2001 plus 1”

9. In ninth place with 41 points…

Martin von Nostrand “Writers”

10. In tenth place with 37 points…

Buzzo “Go Figure”

11. Tied for 11th place with 36 points…

Gidget Disraeli ”List 2005”

Consensus List

13. In 13th place with 35 points…

Adam Spellman “Follow the Leaders”

14. Tied for 14th place with 33 points…

Buzzo “Parasites at Law”

Dan Davis “Death Wish ‘99”

Jack Spellman “Network news gerontocracy”

Dick Hunt “More TV Stars Who Raised Me”

18. Tied for 18th place with 30 points…

Ken “2004 List”

Coach K “Handicapping Special”

20. Tied for 20th place with 21 points…

Buzzo “Adam & Eve”

Step Hopkins “Politicos”

Franklin Jay “Hardball 2004”

Joel Rappoport “Nine Has-Beens and a Lousy Calypso Singer”

Adam Starling “List Five”

Martin von Nostrand “2005”

26. Tied for 26th place with 20 points…

Erre Bosque “2005 List”

Buzzo “New Year’s Eve Party”

Step Hopkins “Politicos 2”

Step Hopkins “Politicos 3”

I.J. Reilly “GOP DOA RIP LOL”

Jack Spellman “More Gold 2005”

Kel Varnsen “Good to Go”

Robin West “Both Sides of the Law”

34. In 34th place with 19 points…

Jack Spellman “2004 – list #2”

35. Tied for 35th place with 18 points…

Ken “Legends of the Microphone”

Mike Sullivan “Draw Blood”

37. Tied for 37th place with 16 points…

Jessica Bewsee “If No One On My Lists Dies This Year, I'm Never Playing This Stupid Game Again”

Dan Davis “Another One”

Olympia Lambert “More losers for the new millennium. Rock and shock”

Sandra Lohm “List 2 – Boys”

Adam Starling “List Four”

Nicole Thomas “List 2”

43. Tied for 43rd place with 15 points…

Dick Hunt “Even more TV celebs who helped raise me”

Jack Spellman “Beam ‘em up”

45. In 45th place with 13 points…

Jonathan Sewall “Nixon Agonistes”

46. In 46th place with 9 points…

I.J. Reilly “Old and/or Hack Directors”

[If she had renewed her 1999 “List II” and/or Y2K’s“People Who Turn My Stomach,” Shannon Koenig would now be in 47th place with 2 points.]

47. In 47th place with 1 point…

Walt Bostian

48. In last place with 0 points…

Everyone else

Buzzo and Ron relieve me of any obligation to be entertaining (or so I call) with their excellent Don Adams interviews:

1. When and how did you learn of your triumph?

Buzzo: At 0950 hours, Thursday the 29th day of September, 2005 Sydney Australia Time– right this second – eMail notice pop-up window.

Ron: At the dinner table on Sunday, I think it was Sunday, on Fox News. I was thinking the requisite sad thoughts, and then suddenly, the glimmer of a thought, hmm, was HE on my list? I checked on Monday at work, and YES, that warm feeling of triumph washed over me. A second hit from the same list!

2. Care to eulogize the departed?

Buzzo: He was a combat Marine…he was a brother… I will pray for him, but I think he already earned his spot.

Ron: For a time there, he was on top of the Sitcom world. 2 Emmys, and the highest honor of all, he inspired an entire F Troop episode satirizing Get Smart (remember B. Wise?)

3. Favorite moment from the Adams oeuvre?

Buzzo: Moments: Shoe Phone - & - He was born on my son's birthday – smart begets smart – had seven kids (I am one of seven) – born in NY NY

Ron: Nothing on TV was ever stupider than the Cone of Silence.

4. Get Smart or Tennessee Tuxedo?

Buzzo: USMC

Ron: Hey what about Inspector Gadget? Anyway, gotta be Get Smart. Much too much schtick entered our alleged culture from that one show.

5. Best Get Smart gadget?

Buzzo: His side kick……saved his ass more than any gadget…

Ron: Duh...cone of silence!

6. Barbara Feldon or Barbara Eden?

Buzzo: I dream of Genie

Ron: That's a real tough call. Who would've been unhappy with either of them. Well, despite the dumb blonde attractiveness of Barbara Eden, Barbara Feldon had something special. Remember the Tiger commercials? She was fire and ice!

7. Haiku for Don:

Buzzo:

Don's last day is done

But no sunset here without

Hope he will live on

Ron:

Cone of Silence

Finally descended

On Don. Would you believe dead?

8. Who's next?

Buzzo: OJ

Ron: Another classic TV actor will kick off, I am very sure. Or Julie Newmar. Whichever...

9. Time to trash talk!

Buzzo: US NY Marines with 13 as a lucky number live LONG lives……my I beat his record…as for the rest of you…you can still join, we are looking for a few, good, men.

Ron: TV Land of the Lost Giants is now officially on a roll. Watch my dust, losers!

The ones we missed:

Mmm, flava beans: Explorer Tobias Schneebaum, who lived with and wrote about Amazon cannibals, died September 20 at 85…

Chicago crime boss Albert “Caesar” Tocco died in prison September 21 at 77. The big reason he died behind bars was that his wife testified against him concerning the murder of Tony “The Ant” Spilotro, which case Scorsese dramatized in Casino. Pretty sure a moral lurks herein.

Former Negro League star Byron “Mex” Johnson died Saturday at 94. The same day, actor Tommy Bond, who played Alfalfa nemesis Butch the Bully in the Our Gang serials, died at 79.

M. Scott Peck, self-help author who made quite the cottage industry of books based on a gross misinterpretation of Frost’s “The Road Less Traveled,” died Sunday at 69. The same day, golfer George Archer, who won the Masters in 1969, died at 65; and jazz saxophonist Steve Marcus died at 66. Not to slag saxophonists, but it surely does seem like I report on a dead one most every week. Doesn’t seem much danger we’re going to run out. Actually, I do mean to slag saxophonists…

Constance Baker Motley, first black woman to serve as a Federal judge, died Wednesday at 84.

New Orleans chef Austin Leslie, famed for his fried chicken, died real spicy-like yesterday at 71.

Ooh, Personality Parade:

Q: Is it true, as reported that [erstwhile Verde pick] Celine Dion’s husband, [Nicole and Martin pick] Rene Angelil, is gambling away her millions?

A: “Rene does love to gamble,” says Jenna Glatzer, author of Celine Dion: For Keeps, due out next month, “but his losses have been exaggerated in the media.” Glatzer adds that Dion is grateful for her husband’s gambler’s approach to life: “When Rene got a demo tape from Celine, then just 12, he bet everything on her -- mortgaging his house to finance her first two albums.”

Erre and Killer pick Tom DeLay had a bad Wednesday, as he first was indicted on a conspiracy charge stemming from the ongoing campaign finance investigation, then found himself obliged to step down as House majority leader. The Hammer proclaimed his innocence and blasted the charge as a “sham” and an act of “political retribution.” Because knee-jerk partisan hardball politics is wrong, I guess he’s recently decided.

Theresa, Sandra, Adam Spellman, Jeremy, and my pick Darryl Strawberry has been charged with filing a false police report after telling the Delray Beach, Florida, po-po that his SUV had been boosted. Straw reported his rented Nissan Murano stolen on September 17, saying it disappeared from outside a gas station while he was inside buying cigarettes, but a pesky gas station surveillance video shows him drive off in a different car than the one he reported stolen. (As we say at the Deuce, whoopsie!) Police found the SUV behind a sports bar in Lake Worth, 15 miles away, undamaged and with Darryl’s wallet inside. The troubled slugger admitted to police on Wednesday that he fibbed in the original report, but he wasn’t arrested, as the charge of filing a false police report is a misdemeanor. Boo! But also yay! We missed you, Darryl!

Comes word that Consensus Pick Michael Jackson is planning on writing and recording a song to benefit World Vegetarian Day tomorrow.

Guaranteed method to get yourself flipped off by the woman with whom you’ve been carrying on a less than Socratic dialogue after she rolled through the stop sign at Fifth Street and nearly hit you as you were pedaling in the bike lane on Kinney Street in Cambridge: When you catch up to her at the next stop light, tell her the car she’s driving makes her ass look fat. I guess I knew this conceptually, but it was gratifying to see it actually work in the real world.

Grand weekend, all. Go Sawx.

hypmotized

In the Final Reckoning, if you root for something wicked bad, like (to take a purely hypothetical example) for a hurricane to smash the bejabbers out of the hometown of someone you don’t care for, and it doesn’t actually happen, it doesn’t count against you, does it. It does? Crap. And I’ll bet running a death pool isn’t helping me any either.

Nothing doing this week. Missed these:

Jane, you’re getting sleepy… very, very sleepy… Psychologist Theodore X. Barber, a critic of hypnosis whose studies indicated that the power of suggestion is pretty much as effective as dangling a watch in front of a crazy girlfriend, stopped responding to snapped fingers on September 10 at 78.

Honey Bruce Friedman, widow of Lenny Bruce, died September 12 at 78.

John McMullen, former owner of the New Jersey Devils and Houston Astros, died September 16 at 87.

Singer/actress Constance Moore, costar of the late-1930s Buck Rogers movie serial, died September 17 at 84. The same day, former big-leaguer Donn Clendenon, a member of the ’69 Miracle Mets, died at 70.

Songwriter Joel Hirschhorn, who won Academy Awards for his theme songs in The Poseidon Adventure (“The Morning After”: Best. Movie. Theme song. Ever.) and The Towering Inferno, died last Sunday at 67. The same day, actor John Bromfield, who played the title character in the 1950s TV series The Sheriff of Chochise, died at 83.

Trumpeter William Vacchiano, a mainstay at the New York Philharmonic from 1942 to 1973, died Monday at 93.

Erstwhile Verde pick/Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal, conscience of the Holocaust, died Tuesday at 96. Lorraine played him in the Y2K Pool, but that list wasn’t eligible for renewal. The same day, minor league first baseman Joe Bauman, whose 72 homeruns in 1954 set a professional record not matched till Barry Bonds perfected his steroid regimen, died at 83.

Activist Molly Yard, President of the National Organization for Women from 1987 to 1991, died Wednesday at 93.

Boxer Leavander Johnson on Thursday succumbed at 35 to injuries he suffered in a fight last weekend.

Turns out that H&M, as well as Chanel and Burberry, isn’t so okay after all with Nicole pick Kate Moss’s overarching fondness for nose candy, the three business all deciding this week to not renew their contracts with la tootskaya. At least she’s still got her gig as guest editor for the December issue of French Vogue, hoh-HONH.

The President of the United States has to ask the Secretary of State for permission to pee? In possibly related news, the National Enquirer is reporting that Killer, Adam Starling, Nicole, and Kel pick W* has fallen off the wagon.

Personality Parade! Woo-hoooo!

Q: The sometimes-chunky [Jeremy pick] Mariah Carey looked slim and toned on a recent TV special. What explains her transformation?

A: Water aerobics and diet. “Mariah is working with Patricia Gay, a trainer she met in St. Bart’s,” says Benny Medina, who’s guiding the diva’s career. “Patricia travels with Mariah to maintain her program of water exercises.” And Medina says Mariah, 35, is a “pecker” when it comes to food.

Q: If Cuba’s ailing dictator [Andrew, Step, Erin, Nicole pick] Fidel Castro should die, who would take his place?

A: His younger brother Raul, who is 74 and has demonstrated none of Fidel’s charisma. Some experts believe Fidel’s revolution will collapse once the 79-year-old Maximum Leader passes away. Our prediction is that Raul will be pushed aside by a group of hardline politicians and military men.

Q: Now that [Theresa pick] Paris Hilton has a short bob, what’s going to happen to her hair extensions?

A: They’ve migrated south. Paris, 24, now gets eyelash extensions. The process enhances the length of her natural lashes, costs upwards of $300 and lasts about six weeks.

Comes word that Consensus Pick Michael Jackson is planning on writing and recording a song to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina. I believe he first needs to finish up his song for the children of Kosovo.

Blender predicts when Ron P. pick Mick Jagger will finally kick the bucket:

Birth date: July 26, 1943

Current age: 62

Death calculator starts at age: 79

Category: Years added/subtracted

White male: -2

Good genes: Mick’s gym-teacher dad, now 93, officiated at 1948 Olympics: +5

Brain gymnast: Composer, actor, attended London School of Economics: +4

Healthy diet: Fresh vegetables and omega-3’s from salmon: +2

Secret jock: Gym sessions every other day with personal trainer: +2

Bad blood: Ex-wife Jerry Hall claims Mick banged groupies on the dining room table: -1

Super sperm: Has 7 kids (with four women): +3

Sweet dreams: Claims he gets eight hours’s leep a night (+1). “If the band’s lacking energy, it’s because we spent all last night fucking.” (-2): -1

Positive attitude: Loves work, celebrity status, has an unabated lust for life: +2

Toxins: Past drug use; current exposure to secondhand smoke: -3

The good life: Lives in rural French chateau (+3), haunted by headless female ghost (-2): +1

Father stress: Daughter Liz smitten by Calum Best, “famous for shagging women.”: -2

Celebrated fornicator: Unprotected sex with Mick akin to sleeping with the sexual histories of 12,000 partners: -6

Estimated life expectancy: 83

Projected year of death: 2026

Gerontologist Dr. Demko: “Jagger’s diet, longevity genes and fitness regimen could carry him to 100 years. Or, his high-risk promiscuity could cancel his ticket by age 70.”

The latest Blender also lists “Rock’s Most Embarrasing Siblings,” including:

Hippie Sibling Geoff Dwight, pick Elton John’s layabout half-brother (“lost what respect he had for him when John failed to attend their father Stanley’s funeral”)

Cash-in Sibling Paul Gallagher, Oly pick Noel’s shiftless brother (in 1996 wrote Brothers: From Childhood to Oasis, a flattering bio that included the introductory explanation, “To all the people who see this book and think, Oh, look, Mr. Paul Anthony Gallagher is cashing in on his brothers’ fame, yes, you are right, and I’m spending every penny to buy myself some self-esteem.”)

Playmate Sibling La Toya Jackson, Consensus Pick Michael’s impressionable sister

Boozy Sibling Martin Ciccone, Bine and Dick pick Madonna’s DUI-prone older brother (Without bail money after Madonna cut him off, spent three months in a Michigan jail in 1994 following his third drunk-driving arrest; afterwards launched a spectacularly unsuccessful rap career as MC Ciccone with the album Judgment Day, the lyrics of which featured both anti-Madonna material and vivid descriptions of non-consensual prison loving; in 2000 complained he wasn’t invited to Madonna’s wedding to Guy Ritchie, even though he was undergoing rehab at her expense at the time)

Homicidal Sibling C-Murder, Dan pick Master P’s incarcerated brother

And Most Embarrassing Rock Sibling Ever Alison Carey Scott, Mariah Carey’s hooker sister (HIV-positive crackhead mother of four insists she turned tricks to enable Mariah, whom she calls a “hearless multimillionaire,” to travel to early gigs by limo; inherited $1 million when their father, a successful engineer, died in 2002; blew through her inehriance and returned to hooking)

Ron W. pick Ayman al-Zawahri on Monday finally got around to claiming credit on behalf of Al Qaeda for the July 7 London bombings.

Though wire reports erroneously first indicated he had busted his leg, Dan pick Vince Neil in fact partially tore the medial portion of his calf muscle five songs into Motley Crue's performance at in Atlanta last week. Neil suffered his boo-boo muscle shortly before intermission, and the “band” wound up ending the concert early when he was taken to a nearby hospital. Unfortunately, although he was described as being in a great deal of pain at the time, Neil is expected to make a full and quick recovery, though his doctors have at least urged him to take some time off (eight to ten years should do it). Whined Vince after the fact, “I just felt something snap in my leg, like a cramp. I just couldn't go on.” Criminy, hope they got him a comfy whaa-mbulance.

Speaking of boo-boo legs, Consensus Pick Dick Cheney underwent successful surgery earlier today to repair aneurysms on the back of both knees. Our Veep was alert and a cranky, nasty asshole, just like usual, following the six-hour procedure. Whew!

Later.